Blah Blah Blog by Jessica Harper by Jessica
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Archive for November, 2008

Driving While Canine

Saturday, November 22nd, 2008

So I heard this morning that a dog, driving his owner’s van, crashed into a coffee shop.

The owner had left the pet alone in the vehicle, in a parking lot, with the engine running, so the pooch took charge.

I totally get this. I mean, it was early in the morning, the dog probably left the house without coffee and needed a caffeine fix. I’ve been in that situation many times myself after a carpool, although luckily I’ve thus far avoided crashing into Starbuck’s in a state of sleepy desperation.

If my dog Oliver were to take off in my car while my back was turned, I know where he’d go and it wouldn’t be Starbuck’s. (Caffeine is not his drug of choice; he’s already too hyper.)  My guess is he’d head straight for MacDonald’s, grab a drive-thru double Big Mac, and be home with his chops thoroughly licked before I noticed his absence.

This may in fact have already happened. How would I know? I’ve seen no telltale wrappers in the car, but then he’d have eaten those, too.

I’m going to keep a closer eye on my dog from now on. I don’t even want to know what the penalty is for DWC.

 

Retail Therapy: It’s the Lipstick, Stupid

Saturday, November 15th, 2008

When the economy tanks, life becomes challenging for those of us who depend on retail therapy to maintain balance. You need to cut your spending, but what do you tell your inner shopper?

If you’ve been struggling to suppress your urge to shop (UTS) while your 401K is gasping for breath, last week’s New York Times had this suggestion: buy a lipstick. For the small price of, say, “Sweet Honey” by YSL or “Casual Beige” by Dior, you can satisfy that UTS with minimal damage, and lively up yourself for the duration of the lipstick’s life.

The purchase might even polish up your audacity of hope, which may have gotten a little tarnished since the post-election nightly news became a depress-a-rama.

This trick won’t work for everyone; I don’t know too many dudes who buy lipstick. But I tried it, and I’m here to testify. I bought Bobby Brown’s “Brown,” which I know sounds a little dreary but it was an excellent pick-me-up and satisfied my UTS so I could ignore higher ticket items like the boots that are on sale at Bloomingdale’s.

The effect lasted, oh, a good thirty-six hours. Now I’m pondering other choices. There’s Chanel’s “Enigma,” which looks promising, and also a good one from CVS (by Rimmel) called “Coffee Shimmer” that’s only $4.99. (I wonder if you get as much UTS suppression from a cheaper lipstick. Can’t wait to find out.)

Of course, the way things are going in retail, I figure if I wait a few weeks, those boots at Bloomingdale’s might be going for less than “Enigma.”

 

Why You Should Buy Saddam Hussein’s Yacht

Sunday, November 9th, 2008

Word on the street is that Saddam Hussein’s yacht is for sale. The Ocean Breeze, after a heated ownership dispute, is now the property of Iraq. Iraq is selling it, not because they can’t all fit on deck, but because they’d rather have $35,000,000 than a boat.

I heard this on the news, right after the report about how bad things are for our automobile industry because nobody buys big-ticket items in a recession. I’m thinking maybe Iraq should rethink their timing.

The Ocean Breeze has a few strong selling points, however. One is that the boat is in pristine condition. Apparently, old S.H. never used it, because he was afraid that the minute he left shore, all hell would break loose in his politically combustible country.  So the yacht’s only exercise has been bobbing in tepid water for several years.

Another nice feature of the yacht is that apparently it’s equipped with gold faucets. Aside from its obvious usefulness for high-end hygiene, a gold faucet is an excellent conversation starter. When you get to that point at an on-board cocktail party where you have exhausted the subject of Barack Obama’s puppy options, you could have a lively discussion about the fixtures.

The boat has a lot of family appeal, too. Aside from its multiple swimming pools, it has a a secret passageway, and, best of all, a rocket-launcher to keep kids amused on long outings.

There’s also a mini-submarine, which is a useful escape vehicle if annoying relatives show up and demand a cruise.

So you might want to weigh all these factors and consider taking a look at The Ocean Breeze, if only because,  in the (very likely) event that your house goes into foreclosure in the next six months, it’d be nice to have a yacht on hand to sleep in.

 

Yes, Dorothy, We Can

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

I woke up this morning before the alarm clock went off, and in that kind of half dreamy state, images from the movie “The Wizard Of Oz” surfaced in my brain.

Oddly, this has been a recurring theme for me this week. When the numbers were looking good for Obama, the lyrics, “Ding, dong, the witch is dead,”  kept coming to mind. Today, post-election, I feel like Dorothy did in the movie’s final scene: home again, in a place I used to know and love.

As I said to my husband last night, I didn’t fully realize how alienated I’d been feeling, politically speaking, until yesterday, when things turned around, and suddenly, it seemed to me I was in the right country again, a place where the predominant values and ideals are consistent with my own.

A whole lot of us have been feeling like this for years, like Dorothy and Toto did in Oz: strangers in a strange land. It’s great to wake up today and feel good about America again, to say with certainty that there’s no place like home.