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Archive for May, 2009

My Kitchen Is A Day Spa

Friday, May 29th, 2009

Apparently, my kitchen is a day spa.

I’ve just learned that Cool Whip and mayonnaise can double as excellent hair conditioners, and for that final rinse, use Lipton tea or Budweiser beer for extra shine. And if you’re in the mood for a self-inflicted manicure, Pam cooking spray will dry those nails in seconds.

My source also tells me that Jello can be used to freshen up smelly feet (okay, I have a little trouble getting my mind around that one) and that if you go to your “everything” drawer and grab some Elmer’s glue, you’ve got the makings of a facial. You just schmear it on, let it dry, and peel it off. (I used to do that as a kid, making pretend I was hideously sunburned.)

These are all excellent ideas and much more wallet-friendly than similar services in the Hills (the Beverly ones). I’d be tempted to try this stuff, to spruce myself up before my daughter’s high school graduation next week, but I know what would happen. I’d be in mid-treatment and the doorbell would ring. I’d have to open the door; it’d be the UPS guy with Nora’s graduation gift.

I can see the thought bubble above his head: “W.T.F?” There I’d be with mayo in my hair, Elmer’s on my face, Jello in my shoes, Pam in one hand, Budweiser in the other. I’d put the Bud down to sign for the package. His thought bubble would change: “Obvious party animal.”

“Oh, ha ha,” I’d protest, “it’s not what you think, ha ha! I’m just going to pour that on my head!”

Then I would have to miss Nora’s graduation, due to the straightjacket, so I think I’ll skip the kitchen spa and just, you know, head for the Hills.


A Pig-Free Zone

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

In a follow-up to the swine flu cocktail story, I just learned that in the entire country of Afghanistan, where eating pork products is forbidden for religious reasons, there is only one pig. The lonely critter, who lives at the zoo in Kabul, just got even lonelier when he was quarantined, assigned to solitary confinement, because  zoo visitors were sure he was a flu-spreader.

While attention was focused on the Kabul zoo (they say it’s a dump), other tasty stories emerged about its history. Apparently, feathers flew at the zoo when, in the early ’90s during Afghanistan’s civil war, Mujahadeen fighters killed and ate th

e zoo’s birds and deer. They also shot the elephant for unknown reasons (not for dinner) and shattered the aquarium with bullets. One fighter climbed in the lion’s den (I know, goofy, right?), but the King o’ Beasts was not in a hospitable mood. He killed the guy, so the guy’s brother came by the next day and sent a grenade into Marjan’s lair, leaving the lion toothless and blind.
I tell ya, it’s a wild world.

So, anyway, Afghanistan is a pig-free zone. Not only can you not visit Wilbur at the zoo, you can’t eat bacon, pork chops or ham. Although I complain about making bacon, I’d complain more if it were unavailable. So, if you hear me say I’m moving to Afghanistan, please remind me about the pork thing and suggest I change my mind.



Fox Has Ducks

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

There’s something sweet going on at 20th Century Fox, and I’m not referring to the grosses from “Wolverine.”

Maybe she lost her way in mid-migration, or maybe she’s hoping to snag Hugh Jackman’s autograph, but a duck recently took up residence in the fountain right smack outside the offices of Fox’s top execs, and then promptly became the mother of eight.

We visited them on Mother’s Day, and they are certainly the cutest family on Pico Boulevard. Sadly, their numbers have been reduced by two; some predator made off with a couple of ducklings. Most likely it was a crow like the one that almost grazed my forehead while I watched Mama Duck teach her kids a trick. She climbed up the ivy beside the fountain, babies in a row behind her, to the top of a retaining wall and jumped into the water, followed by six happy splashes.

Fox execs are so charmed by the duck invasion they have constructed a wood ‘n wire shelter for them, right in the fountain, to protect the ducks from further crow attacks. Fox is  hoping that, if they make the perks good enough, the ducks won’t migrate to Warners or Universal.


Seasick Fish?

Saturday, May 2nd, 2009

I just read this story in the news about a German scientist named Dr. Hilbig who claims to have proved that fish can get seasick. He came to this stunning conclusion after putting forty-nine fish in a small aquarium, sending them up in an airplane, and then sending that plane into a steep dive, simulating the loss of gravity.

Apparently, eight of the fish started spinning around in circles. “They were behaving like humans who get seasick,” Dr. H. claims. “They became…confused and looked as if they were going to vomit.”

Okay, so I’m impressed the guy knows how to read a fish’s facial expression, but, I have to say, if I were in a plane that suddenly plummeted towards earth, I have no doubt that I, too, would go into a tailspin and vomit, but I’m not sure I’d call it ‘seasickness.’ The real mystery is why the other forty-one fish remained calm.

Smartypants Hilbig posits that “In the wild such ‘seasick’ fish would become prey for others because they are incapable of fleeing from danger.” But my guess is that the fish were already incapable of that, or they wouldn’t have been passengers on Flight Nosedive.

Adding insult to injury (or actually injury to insult), the eight flustered fish later had their brains examined to determine the exact cause of their ‘seasickness.’ If you ask me, someone does indeed need to have their head examined, but it ain’t the fish.