Blah Blah Blog by Jessica Harper by Jessica
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Archive for June, 2009


Sunday, June 14th, 2009

I was interested to read the news story last week on the findings of two scientists from the University of Oxford. After three years of study (at a cost to taxpayers of about 300,000 pounds), they announced that ducks like water.

Provided with a pond, a water trough, and a shower, the study group of ducks gravitated toward the shower, apparently “spending a lot of time under the shower, just standing there.” (My husband does this, too, much to the irritation of his family and the DWP, but unobserved by scientists.)

If somebody at Oxford had read my blog a few weeks back about the ducks at Fox studios, like you guys did, they could have saved themselves a lot of trouble; one quick visit with Fox’s lucky ducks would have led to the same conclusion.

The news from Oxford inspired me to appeal to them for funds to continue a study I’ve been conducting at my home, which is similar to their ducky one but focuses on another species: the dog.

For two years I have observed my golden retriever Oliver’s relationship to water. He has been provided with a swimming pool, a bathtub, and a hose and has shown an aversion to all three. If Oxford approves funding, I thought I might expand the study by trying the Dog-O-Matic. I just read about this doggy washing machine; you throw your pooch in and he emerges clean after a brisk cycle.

My guess is, however, that a spin in the Dog-O-Matic would leave Oliver with a solid case of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Check it out here and see what you think.


Women’s Top Five Wishes

Thursday, June 4th, 2009

I’m feeling really out of step with the world. I read in Real Simple magazine (the January issue–the dentist was running late) the results of a survey of 2600 people. I was interested to read the top five wishes of women: 1. A spouse who makes more money.  2. Plastic surgery.  3. Telling her boss exactly how she feels.  4. More kids  5. Separate bathrooms.

As for number 1, swapping the current spouse for a richer one, I so do not want this. Finding a new spouse would be way too time-consuming and would involve going on dates to places like Hooters and besides, I like my spouse, although I hate the word ‘spouse’ which makes him sound rodent-like.

As for 2, I once saw a terrifying documentary of a facelift that totally put me off —way too much gore—plus it’s barbaric and anti-feminist and also I’d be afraid I’d end up looking like the pilot of a plane that’s going way too fast.

3 is irrelevant because I am my own boss and I tell myself exactly how I feel 24/7 which is sort of irritating but most likely I will not fire myself as jobs are hard to get these days.

And 4? Nope. Had ’em, love ’em, done.

5 is another story; on this one I’m finally in synch with the masses of women surveyed. I believe that it’s in the best interest of romantic partners to avoid seeing each other doing things involving floss, shower caps, bandages, ointment, razors and…all that other stuff. The bathroom should be like Vegas: what happens in there, stays in there, out of a spouse’s line of vision. The best way to achieve that is with a His/Hers setup.

But I’d give up the separate bathrooms in a heartbeat if someone would grant me my fondest wish, one that I’m surprised is not number 1 on  this list: I wish my spouse (there’s that word again) could cook.