Blah Blah Blog by Jessica Harper by Jessica
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Archive for February, 2010

Two Feet Of Snow In Chicago!

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

My brother William writes from Chicago: “You are lucky you live in LA: we’ve got two feet of snow.” He sent the evidence:



Hand Writing

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Handphoto_Palm_1823418I just don’t get why Sarah Palin is taking so much heat for writing those notes on her hand before that tea party convention. As an avid palm writer myself, I totally get where she’s coming from. I mean, after the age of fifty, who can remember anything without a little support?

I find it very useful in family discussions to have a few notes handy (if you’ll pardon the excellent pun). Like, the other night, when Tom discovered the Manolo shoebox and we had a lively debate about whether a woman really needs to own five different styles of black pumps, I was really glad I’d jotted down a few talking points on my hand before things heated up.

When my daughter brought home the Honda with a very impressive scrape across two doors, I was pleased that, in the resulting exchange between us, I’d had the foresight to jot down some notes on the cost of scrape revision and the wisdom of driving carefully. I felt I was able to put a sizeable dent (haha!) in her defense (“the stupid post just appeared out of nowhere!”), and I felt good about that even after I paid the $1800.

I also use palm jots as a handy reminder system when I am multi-tasking at home. If I leave my office to go to the bedroom, say, to get my headscratcher, I make a note on my palm as to why I am going to the bedroom, otherwise, when I arrive there, I will often have forgotten what my mission was and I will have to return to my office and wait until that information resurfaces. Or if I make a phone call, I will write down the name of the person I’m calling before I dial, so when they answer, I will not have forgotten and need to ask them who they are.

Palm writing of course, is not always reliable. Knowing I would otherwise forget it, I wrote a recipe on my hand that I found in a magazine at the dentist’s office. The office has an intimidating sign up, forbidding the ripping of pages from magazines, but I had no scratch paper and I was desperate for an easy dessert recipe. I went home and, forgetting the precious information I had on my hand, washed my hair, thereby obliterating it. (The recipe, not the hair.) So, while it’s a great tool for remembering what you don’t want to forget, you can’t forget that you are trying to remember something, or else you’ll wash your hair and screw everything up.

Anyway, like I said, after fifty, most people are memory-challenged, so, I say go with palm-writing or any other tools that help, even if you are Sarah Palin, trying to remember to call Obama “a charismatic guy with a tele-prompter…..Oh, hey, wait a minute, I just read the notes on my hand: Sarah Palin is only 46! So what’s her excuse?

P.S. for that recipe to that easy dessert I made (flourless chocolate cake), click here.


More Stupid Burglars

Friday, February 12th, 2010

Handcuffsphoto_Handcuffs_547812Apparently it’s been a big year so far for stupid burglars. No sooner did I write a post about the guy who fried chicken at the crime scene than three more stories popped up about burglars making unwise choices.

First there was the guy who stole a two-carat diamond ring. He tried to sell it three hours later, at the shop where the ring had originated. (Hello.) The cops were summoned and the bonehead burglar swallowed the ring, but then had a coughing fit and the thing shot up and rocketed across the room, landing at the feet of a policeman, who (sharp as a tack) put two and two together. (Robbery 101: always swallow jewelry slowly and carefully, preferably chewing it a while first, like your mother told you to do with brisket.)

Then there was the car thief who tried to steal an unmarked police car. He emptied the car of its juicy contents, the Taser, some handcuffs and whatever else police carry around. But, not only did he sting himself with the Taser, he accidentally cuffed his hands together, then called the police for help. (Robbery 101: you are the perp, not the cop. They are supposed to sting and cuff you, you do not need to do it yourself. If you should forget this rule in mid-burgle and find yourself braceleted, call a friend with a hacksaw, not some testy public servant who will put two and two together.)

Finally, there was the guy who stole a SUV and then, leaving it parked in front of his house, went in to play the video game, Grand Theft Auto. That’s where the police found him, and they put two and two together, even faster than the ring guys or the handcuff guys. (Robbery 101: park the stolen car in front of the house of the guy who bullied you in high school not in front of your own. Then go home and snap on the Food Network. If the police drop by, tell them you are busy watching Paula Deen prepare her famous Brunch Burger and they will not put two and two together but instead will go back to Starbucks and leave you alone.)


Who Dat?

Saturday, February 6th, 2010


This is a picture of Oliver’s cousin Remy, in Baltimore today, desperate to get to Sports ‘R Us (I can totally relate) to get that Who Dat t-shirt she didn’t get around to buying before Snowpocalypse….


Lady’s Brunch Burgers

Saturday, February 6th, 2010


So I guess it’s time for the annual Mona Lisa bashing. Last year, they discovered and dragged out the nude portrait of her (you could just hear her spinning in her grave) and now they’re outing her as a woman with high cholesterol.

According to the N.Y. Times, some guy named Vito from Palermo, a self-declared expert in determining the health issues of the subjects of certain masterpiece portraits (where do you go to school to get good at that?), announced that old Mona has fatty deposits under her eyes, indicating that her famous gaze, which has of course been the subject of debate and poetry for centuries, is most likely a look of satisfaction (or maybe even belch suppression) after a few too many high fat meals.

If you are like me, you probably don’t have a whole lot of master painters rushing in with portrait offers. Are you wondering what it might take to get them interested, how you might aquire Mona’s painter-friendly, mysterious, what-the-hell-is-she-thinking attitude? Apparently, all you need to do is chow down a few of Paula Deen’s Lady’s Brunch Burgers and they’ll be banging on your door with their paintbrushes.

A Brunch Burger is guaranteed to skyrocket your cholesterol to unprecedented levels, so you too can be intriguing as Mona Lisa, pretty much overnight. Get this: it’s basically a burger with a fried egg and bacon on top. But the beauty part is, in place of a bun, that burger is tucked between two glazed Krispy Kreme donuts! I know, dreamy, right?

So, run, don’t walk, to click here for the recipe for Lady’s Brunch Burgers. Then text old Leo da V. a dinner invite.



Monday, February 1st, 2010

SweetheartsCandystockphoto_Heart_Candy_366437I heard that Sweetheart Valentine’s Day candy is the holiday’s biggest seller. They’re those little hearts made by Necco (yep, purveyor of your favorite wafers), ya know, the ones that have messages stamped on them like, “Kiss me” or “Puppy love.”

Well, Necco, in an attempt to get with the century, has added a couple of new messages this year: “Text me” and “Tweet me.” (Yes, they already have “Email me,” and yes, they dumped “Fax me.” ) These new entries intrigued me so much, I almost bought a huge bag of Sweethearts today, just to see if I could find one of those up-to-the-minute hearts. I thought I could send them to my kids, who would then be fooled into thinking I was a savvy, techno-smart Valentine sender and not the bonehead they’d thought I was. But, realizing that examining roughly 1000 candy hearts was actually a useless time-sucker, I chose instead to shop for some useful, calorie-free Valentine’s Day gifts that are appropriate for crabby cooks.

If you know a crabby cook youi’d like to sweeten up on the 14th, check out this heart paring knife, these heart measuring spoons, or a lovely heart egg molder. Just don’t follow up with a request that she cook Valentine’s Day dinner for you with her new utensils or she might whack you with her heart spatula.

BTW: If you find those sweethearts with the new messages, text me. Or tweet me. (Don’t fax me. That’s so last year.)

P.S. This just in: my friend David Coleman points out that you can really impress the kids if you click here to design and send them an electronic sweetheart message. As Dave says, “All the saccharine, none of the calories!”