Yes, cannibals do still exist, in case you’re wondering. They are in Papua, New Guinea, a place I’m going to cross right off my bucket list.
In an interview with one of the cannibals, a reporter (who’s much braver than I) from National Geographic was told, “I have tasted a man and I have tasted a woman. They taste the same.”
Well, I don’t care what he says. I’m not buying it. My guess is, even if my husband and I were cooked in the same pot, by the same popular braising method, there would be a pronounced difference in our flavors.
They say you are what you eat. It follows, therefore, that my husband (who is the world’s pickiest eater, aside from the cannibals) is a good sixty percent chocolate and maybe ten percent Diet Coke. The rest of him is made up of chicken and movie popcorn. I, on the other hand, am a a full spectrum eater, so I’m composed of a stunning variety of vegetables, fruits, fish, meat and blondies. The difference in our eating habits would, in my opinion, impact the way our bodies taste.
Frankly, I think my husband would be more appetizing. With my varied diet, I might taste like some awful mulch, whereas Tom would be like a Happy Meal. Any discerning cannibal would most likely prefer Leg-O-Tom, and if we ever go to Papua, New Guinea by mistake and we are captured by cannibals, I will be sure to point that out. I’d advise them to avoid his feet, though, which have been encased in sneakers since his childhood, brined in athletic sweat. (Mine have been tenderized by contact with soft leather, but I see no point in drawing that to the cannibals’ attention.)
Do you think there are cannibal foodies, pursuing new and exotic ways of cooking their cousins? Do cannibals prefer Tupperware or glass for leftover Linda? Does fried Freddy freeze well? Do they spend all day roasting Roger only to have a dinner guest say she just gave up eating men?.
Do they eat the liver with onions? Do they go to the butcher and ask for a Sam chop? These are just some of the burning questions that swirl around the subject of people eating people. Pursue the answers if you dare. I, for one, am steering clear of the cannibal kitchen.
But, hey, I bet thighs are killer, braised with San Marzano tomatoes and wine, some herbes de Provence to turn up the volume…..
P.S.: for a virtual visit with cannibals (always a smarter choice than an ACTUAL visit), click here.