Blah Blah Blog by Jessica Harper by Jessica
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My Fantasy Clothing Shop

February 19th, 2012

I have this fantasy about opening a clothing shop for women of a certain age.

At my shop, you will find the following:

1. Sexy shoes that are comfortable even when you’re standing.

2. Dresses with sleeves long enough to cover misbegotten tattoos.

3. A handbag that automatically changes colors, depending on your outfit.

4. No thong whose crotch consists of a string of pearls.

5. Sweaters that are long enough to conceal a VPL so you don’t have to wear a damn thong every damn day.

6. High-necked blouses to cover that thing you’ve developed that makes you look like a turkey.

7. Scarves. (See #6)

8. No bathing suits. I will not subject clients to trying them on. Go to Bloomingdale’s for that torture.

9. Panti-hose, whatever brand Beyonce wears.

10. Bras that invite your breasts to face front instead of down.

11. Pants with a waistline that covers your Caesarian scar by at least two inches.

12. Skirts that are constructed to prevent underwear exposure in a brisk wind, but are not so tight they reveal your muffin top.

13. Coats that are warm but don’t make you look like the Madison Avenue bus.

All mirrors are inside the dressing rooms, not outside in plain view of critics. Lighting will be low and rosy. Alcoholic beverages will be available, free of charge for those who have just been trying on bathing suits at Bloomingdale’s. Family members who accompany shoppers will be sent to Starbuck’s if they utter any discouraging words.

Got any other thoughts, ladies?

 

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6 Responses to “My Fantasy Clothing Shop”

  1. tom lynn Says:

    You’re the most elegant woman and believable actress I’ve ever seen. Also a plus: You remind me of a girl who’d said she loved me when I was 21. I’m married (for 30 years now but not to her) so don’t get the wrong idea. I just wanted to sign-on and repeat what you must have heard so many times….You should have starred in a lot more stories…it’s good to see you’re also a domestic success!

  2. MV Says:

    I will happily shop at your fantasy clothing shop. It sounds like just what I’ve been looking for.

  3. Ricky Butler Says:

    I’ll be 47 in May and male!
    Guess I should be the first one to start a heading-for-50 men’s clothing store
    where I will make sure the shirts don’t unbutton below the 2 top buttons
    OR have built in T-shirts so we don’t have to see the guys navel.
    No Ribbed shirts of any kind, I mean who wants to men boobs? I don’t, my own or anyone elses. though slim built at 161-lbs and 5″9″ tall.
    I have always had a bit of “chest” and I can tell you a button up shirt with a T-shirt underneath and one pocket on each side hides that “little” problem area, it’s hard to find a good button up shirt with two pockets!

    Now guys, we need a solution for the fast growing, pesky gray nose hairs! the kind that meet the gray mustache.
    I guess that’s another category though.
    that’s another category though.

  4. Steph Says:

    AWESOME! Do it! :)

  5. Diana Says:

    Sounds great! When are you opening and will you have a branch in Alaska? If not I’ll invest in a franchise up here. Love, Diana

  6. Jackson Says:

    Were I a woman (or transvestite!) I’d soooooo be there! Might just try the latter so I can…

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