I heard that Sweetheart Valentine’s Day candy is the holiday’s biggest seller. They’re those little hearts made by Necco (yep, purveyor of your favorite wafers), ya know, the ones that have messages stamped on them like, “Kiss me” or “Puppy love.”

Well, Necco, in an attempt to get with the century, has added a couple of new messages this year: “Text me” and “Tweet me.” (Yes, they already have “Email me,” and yes, they dumped “Fax me.” ) These new entries intrigued me so much, I almost bought a huge bag of Sweethearts today, just to see if I could find one of those up-to-the-minute hearts. I thought I could send them to my kids, who would then be fooled into thinking I was a savvy, techno-smart Valentine sender and not the bonehead they’d thought I was. But, realizing that examining roughly 1000 candy hearts was actually a useless time-sucker, I chose instead to shop for some useful, calorie-free Valentine’s Day gifts that are appropriate for crabby cooks.

If you know a crabby cook youi’d like to sweeten up on the 14^th, check out this heart paring knife, these heart measuring spoons, or a lovely heart egg molder. Just don’t follow up with a request that she cook Valentine’s Day dinner for you with her new utensils or she might whack you with her heart spatula.

BTW: If you find those sweethearts with the new messages, text me. Or tweet me. (Don’t fax me. That’s so last year.)

P.S. This just in: my friend David Coleman points out that you can really impress the kids if you click here to design and send them an electronic sweetheart message. As Dave says, “All the saccharine, none of the calories!”

Obama sent me a Valentine!

Well, sort of, I mean, indirectly. Well, to be honest, I sent it to myself at his suggestion. Okay, he didn’t personally suggest it, like, text me from his Blackberry or something, but…here’s what happened:

Somewhere, I read a list of B. O.’s favorite foods. All Americans should keep this list handy, because, being the populist that he is, you never know when Barack might drop in for dinner. Even I, a self-described crabby cook, would be okay with cooking for Barack. Especially when I read his list:

First, his dislikes: mayonnaise, salt and vinegar chips, asparagus and soft drinks.
So, if you really have it in for him, say you’re a vengeful McCainiac, you might make that casserole of asparagus in a creamy mayo sauce with crumbled S ‘n V’s on top. And Pigs’ Legs in Coca-cola, a dish for which I actually have the recipe, if you are interested.

Obama likes the following: sparkling water, trail mix (Planter’s, that is), roasted almonds, pistachios, MET-Rx Chocolate Roasted Peanut Protein bars, and vegetables (especially broccoli and spinach). How easy is that? A quick trip to Whole Foods and you’ve got an Obama party in your pantry.

Oh, but the final item on the ‘likes’ list is…the thing. Apparently, he’s crazy for Fran’s Chocolates, specifically her Smoked Salt Caramels. I read this and went straight to the website. A few days later, I got a lovely, Valentine-y red box of handmade heaven. These are so good, I know if I’d been eating them longer I, too, would be president. (Or at least Secretary of State.)

You should order these either to 1) experience extreme pleasure, 2) get elected to public office, or 3) have on hand in case Obama shows up and you’re out of trail mix.
And when those candies show up at your door, you can tell everyone that Obama sent you a Valentine, and you’d be almost not lying.